I can feel the depression returning.
There are so many things that I wish I was better at.
It just seems like there is nothing that I can excel at, like I’m always left wanting. I want to do so much more, but I am just too scared to do it. I am so used to failing at things, and then avoiding doing things so I don’t fail, that now I barely recognize things that I want to do as real possibilities.
I can set goals for myself, and even achieve them sometimes, but if something seems too difficult to do then I just won’t do it. Because it is still easier for me to not try than it is to try and fail.
It is very easy for me to look at the $20,000 in consumer debt that I had in April 2009, and pat myself on the back for being able to pay $8,000 of it off between then and now, all while being on Social Assistance. But I could be doing so much more. It would just be difficult. Very, very, difficult. And I don’t know that I am willing to start eating less food again just to save a few bucks on groceries – even if it would mean getting out of debt a month or two faster.
I can try and make myself feel good about my mothering because I have two beautiful and well behaved daughters, and it is difficult to parent, etc. but at the end of the day it’s just not good enough. I still lose my patience too quickly with my kids, I am saying things in the heat of the moment that are mean and will crush them. I want obedience, but I don’t want to put in the effort to achieve it in a way that will command respect.
I am afraid that they will fear me as I feared my parents.
Why are the dishes such an overwhelming chore?!
The fact that they continue to be dirty, that as soon as I wash them all they become nasty and food covered again, the redundancy of it all! It makes me want to not wash them, to just let them pile up, because then I am doing the dishes less often.
Sweeping and vacuuming...but the floor just gets dirty again.
If I scrub the toilet, my next poop smears.
Wash the mirrors? Toothpaste splatter....or fingerprints...
Make the bed.
Tidy the shoes.
Clean off the table.
Take out the garbage.
I just want to be better at stuff!
Specifically parenting. My biggest accomplishment in the past month has been taking the girls to the park every day. That’s it. The park is just a five minute walk from the house! (It was a 20 minute walk when I started FYI, but then I found a closer park with more equipment)
Well I will try. And I will keep you updated. But I’m angry...and at this point I don’t even know if I should post this...but it’s my blog.........and I’ll do what I want.
After all, it’s not "A Taste Of Perfection".