dys·func·tion /dɪsˈfʌŋkʃən/ [dis-fuhngk-shuhn]–noun
1. Medicine/Medical . malfunctioning, as of an organ or structure of the body. 2. any malfunctioning part or element: the dysfunctions of the country's economy. 3. Sociology . a consequence of a social practice or behavior pattern that undermines the stability of a social system.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Life - Part 2: Children

"Wow...I sure hope dys·func·tion posts a rant sometime soon...I sure miss those..."

Well faithful follower! Your wish shall be granted!

This is a continuation of a rant I started wayyyyy back about how people judge each other. The first part was about education and you can find the post here. This part is to be about children.

Children are a miracle. They are an amazing feat, a blessing, your greatest hopes and dreams and your worst nightmare all in one. They are an extension of yourself and one of the easiest ways that people will judge you.

Are your kids the same colour as you?

How many children do you have?

Are they yours?

Do they all have the same father?

Is there a ring on your finger?

How old are you?

Was this an accident?

Do you regret them?

First of all....I will cut you if you ever ask me if I regret my children.

No. No no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! I do not regret my children. Would you regret yours? My children are the most amazing parts of me all balled up into the cutest little features in the universe. They are innocent beings, and any mistakes that I or anyone else would have made should have no reflection upon our children.

All of these questions (whether actually voiced or just thought about) are negative and, let's be honest, irrelevant. None of these answers should matter as long as a person is capable of loving and providing for their children.

I would rather have someone ask me "Do you love your children?" than any of these other questions.

I am a single mother.

And by that statement I mean: I am unmarried, and the man that I am in a relationship with is not the father of either of my children.

I am a single mother.

This does not mean that I love my children any less, or that they were mistakes that I unknowingly made.

I am a single mother.

This does not mean that my children have ruined my life.

I am a single mother.

This does not mean that I am incapable of raising them to be beautiful, happy, and complete human beings.

I am a single mother.

This does not mean that I am constantly overwhelmed.

I am a single mother.

And my children will benefit because of it.

Being a single mother, and I'd assume a single father as well, is not an easy task by any means... but for most people (especially for myself) it is not an option. I chose to birth both of my children, which to me means I signed a contract to be with them forever. Parents - real parents - choose to be with their children forever no matter how difficult it may be at times.

Real parents do not have to be biological parents.

I don't know if I can stress that enough.

Real parents do not have to be biological parents.

Here is my story...or at least the abbreviated version of it:

When I was 17 I was told that I had cancer in my uterus, and if I wanted to have my own biological children, that I would have to start now because there was little, if any, time left. I thought long and hard about this, but being a mother was the only goal I had ever had for life. I decided to give it a try. I had to try for a long time to have Shake'n'Bake. Eventually, the only way I *could* concieve her was to have surgery on my uterus during which the doctors removed all of the cancer that they could find. (Not a cure mind you...it just bought me some time.) I cried excessively when I found out I was pregnant with Shake'n'Bake. It was like I was handed my life back, so much of me was invested in being a mother.
After a while, Shake'n'Bake's father and I went our seperate ways (something I do not regret) and I began trying to accomplish the adult tasks in my life. Finding a career path that I could successfully support my blossoming baby girl with. I returned to school, and eventually started dating again. Now I am well aware that being in a relationship/dating does not mean that you need to have sexual relations, but as an adult I can tell you that that is what ended up happening, and one day in particular my birth control failed. This small chance led to the pregnancy of Splat - my second beautiful daughter - which, in itself was a miracle due to my uterine cancer. That person and I did not stay together very long, nor should we have. At the end of the day, I would rather be single and happy, then with someone that makes me unhappy.
But luckily for me, this was not to be the case. I started dating the sweetest, most amazing man that I have ever met in my life. He is strong, supportive, funny, and full of all the love that I needed and wanted. I told him on our first date that I was pregnant, and he stayed. The first time he came over to my house for dinner I told him that I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, that I was looking for someone that I could spend the rest of my life with - someone who could be a father to my children - and he stayed. He took me to every doctor's appointment, held me through every emotional break down, participated in every baby class, helped to plan my baby shower, and took me to the hospital where he helped me have a baby. He is the epitome of everything I wanted in a man, and he's here. He's mine. And he is there for my children in every aspect.

And yet...some people will still have the disrespect to say that they're not his.
But that is for another post.


What I am really trying to press here is that this is my M.O.:
-young, single mother of two
-unwed, with neither father of her differently-fathered children
-lives in the ghetto
-on social assistance

And that is how people see me. No one stops to wonder if I decided to become a mother so young. Nobody wants to know that it was now-or-never. No one is interested in knowing that I was using birth control, and that sometimes it fails.

But I know.

And the people who matter know.

I just wish that more people would look beyond themselves, and try to understand the people that they walk the Earth with...instead of just jumping to conclusions.

I have made mistakes. And from those, I was given miracles.

What will you do with your mistakes?


- jG - said...

I love the passion that drives this entire post. You tell 'em!

The questions you asked at the beginning are soooo true, unfortunately. Where do we people get off?

ironman1987 said...

you go girl. I am in agreement with every single statement in this post. And I mean it:)

jedi starrunner said...

I have a bone to pick with people too.
People judge me for having mental health issues.
People judge me for having scars from when I used to be suicidal.
People judge me when they find out that I went to rehab.
But as the last line in your post says, "I have made mistakes. And from those, I was given miracles."

I made mistakes, and from those I made myself who I am today. (And for the record, "who I am today = f*ckin awesome, much like my supermama best friend.)

I like this post.

Anonymous said...

Woah, this was really powerful and it made me really think. Thank you for sharing. I came here via Jenn's blog! :)

A Bee In My Bonnet - Leslie Anne said...

this was an excellent post - now I want to go back and read the first part. It was very well thought out and executed. I don't normally notice things like that, but this was so well done that I did notice it. Very impressive. And I agree. None of us has the right to judge others. We all have our flaws, if we'll only admit it to ourselves.

dys·func·tion said...

@ Leslie Anne: thank you for your comment! I'm glad you are a fan of my writing, and it is very kind of you to compliment my execution. I hope you will continue to read my writing.

Lizzie said...

This is a brilliant post. You are so strong. I too have been told by doctors to have babies as soon as possible. I'm waiting, but I worry whether I'm being too chilled about the whole thing. Your babies sound awesome. Well done you for being so strong. x

dys·func·tion said...

@Lizzie: thanks! I think it's great that you're waiting, everyone has to do what's right for them, and although HAVING babies right then and there was right for me, it has been by no means easy. It's a serious decision for sure, and I hope that you've made the best possible one!!