dys·func·tion /dɪsˈfʌŋkʃən/ [dis-fuhngk-shuhn]–noun
1. Medicine/Medical . malfunctioning, as of an organ or structure of the body. 2. any malfunctioning part or element: the dysfunctions of the country's economy. 3. Sociology . a consequence of a social practice or behavior pattern that undermines the stability of a social system.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Don't Let The Bed Bugs Bite

This post contains spiders.

Dad had built me a bunk bed when I was younger.

It had the bed up top and a lovely desk for the bottom. It allowed me to have a workspace for homework in my bedroom, without destroying the limited amount of floor space I had.

When my family moved to a nicer house, the bunk bed had to be torn apart to fit out the door.

I decided that I was too big and too cool for a bunk bed anymore, and asked my parents if I could just have a normal bed instead.

That summer, they were out garage sale-ing (a sport in my family) when they happened upon a nice bed frame for my very small twin mattress.

I was so excited to lift my mattress off the floor!

Dad assembled it while I held the ends on. It was a light coloured wood, two side pieces only, bevelled heads and slats. It must have been a crib or something at one time because there were drilled holes down the front and back for some sort of attachment.

See the holes?  That is what mine had.
Picture from here

Air conditioning running, that night I crawled into my new bed in a tank top and shorts.

Around midnight I was roused by an itch on my leg. A gentle scratch revealed a piece of lint was the culprit, so I promptly grabbed it and tossed it on to the floor.

The "lint" beat my fingertips with its wings as I threw it away.


My eyes shot open and I clambered for the light switch.

The 60watt bulb flooded the room and revealed my lint. It was a wasp.

Or more correctly, three.

Picture from here



I grabbed a book from my desk and mashed these three wasps out of existance.

SIDE NOTE: To all you bug lovers out there who believe I just admitted to a triple homicide, my rule about bugs is this: if you're in my house, you die. If you're outside and you come towards me, you die. If you're outside and you go away from me, you live.

My mother opened my door and hissed a quick "What are you doing?" at me. I explained the wasp situation and she explained the midnight situation and left.

As I looked at my closed door, I realized that the paint was darker on that wall. Confused, I picked up my glasses and put them on.

Still darker.



So I walked up to the wall to inspect the situation closer.

Wouldn't you know it? It wasn't my paint making the walls darker....

It was millions of baby spiders.

Picture from here
Okay, I know this isn't a wall, but I can only stomach looking at so many pictures of spiders before I vomit.

Turns out, those holes I mentioned earlier? Yeah, they were filled with spider nests. Nests that were full of millions and billions of nasty nasty spiders. Nasty nasty spiders that decided to hatch and climb my wall.

I almost crapped my pants.

I left my room, shut the door, and stuffed a towel under the crack so no spiders could escape.

I slept in the spare bedroom and attacked my room with a vacuum cleaner the next morning. I never did find any adult spiders later... I guess I got them all.

The moral of the story is:
Spiders are nasty.

And you're never too cool for a bunk bed.


fif said...

Seriously, you need a disclaimer on this post, because I hate spiders and that picture have me chills. I had to scroll all the way passed it and avoid looking at it, yet it still gave me shivers! Ew....ew!

Anonymous said...

you should get a goat at the Stouffville flea market. Goats eat spiders

dys·func·tion said...

@fif: I seriously considered adding a disclaimer, but I thought the title of the post might lend itself to the cause.

@Anonymous: a goat would be awesome, but my landlord says no. Either way, I vacuumed up all these spiders!

fif said...

Yeah, well, spiders aren't bugs, are they? :P

dys·func·tion said...

@fif: that is true. I will change that!

Nicole Sparks said...

Just the thought of that makes me want to pee myself.

dys·func·tion said...

@Nicole Sparks: it was a pretty horrifying experience...but I warned! I added a warning see?! :D

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