dys·func·tion /dɪsˈfʌŋkʃən/ [dis-fuhngk-shuhn]–noun
1. Medicine/Medical . malfunctioning, as of an organ or structure of the body. 2. any malfunctioning part or element: the dysfunctions of the country's economy. 3. Sociology . a consequence of a social practice or behavior pattern that undermines the stability of a social system.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Magical Mouse Fairy

Apparently you send the Magical Mouse Fairy a letter, just like Santa Clause.

After my letter to Logitech I got a reply asking for a picture of the serial number *on* the mouse (luckily my camera is the bomb-diggity), my full mailing address, name, and phone number.

I complied, and yesterday I got a replacement mouse in the mail!

Yay! Customer service!


Unfortunately the Magical Mouse Fairy did something else too. She handed out my address to solicitors.... or some sort of housing program.... because I now have a new member in my family.

A little mouse we've named Drizzle.

He's a cocky little bugger, popping his head out from under the fridge, running laps around the garbage can, racing along the cupboards, and venturing a good foot and a half into the middle of the room WHILE we're still awake.

He's started chewing tiny holes into the bread bags and then crawling inside and gnawing out a giant hole of bread which I can only assume he sleeps in for a brief while.

A post-dinner nap if you will.

I was okay with his presence up until he started eating my bread.

And being super cocky with his presence.

So now we have to make some decisions.

Do we just close his hole, Landlord has offered to spray foam it, and hope that he doesn't open a new one somewhere else? Or do we bite the bullet and put down a trap?

What if he finds a Mrs. Drizzle and they have little Drizlets?!


Anyways, I'd love to hear what you think. Comment and let me know!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Battle of the Fruits

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange ya glad I didn’t say banana?



No. No I’m not.

Oranges suck.


Now calm down, the actual pulp of the orange is delicious, nutritious, and highly satisfying. But let me tell you, Orange needs to rethink his delivery strategy.

When you decide to eat an orange, you are mentally making a commitment. Time and effort are required to eat and orange, and a lot of the time I’m not interested in making said commitment.


You need to peel an orange. This either requires tools, teeth, or nails.

Tools means that there is a bigger clean up required.

Teeth means that your first taste of orange is nasty, and a little chemically.

Nails means that you will have a semi-permanent orange-brown colour under your fingernails.

All of these options suck.



Once you peel an orange you can’t just jump right in and enjoy the fleshy sweetness. Noooooooo. First you have to pick off all of the nasty white strings that attach to the orange with all of their might.

Those tricky white buggers that have grown in every nook and cranny possible in your orange wedges, and require some dexterity and nails (more orange-brown tinge on the horizon) to remove.

Once you’ve removed all the garbage from OUTSIDE the orange, you now have to be concerned with the garbage INSIDE!



The seeds.

Sometimes it is possible to see them through the orange wedge. I’m a big fan of holding the wedge up to the light to try and spot the dark seeds within.

This can end either or two ways.

One: you find the seeds, and proceed to jam your fingers into the wedge to try and pop them out, or you try and bite the wedge just prior to the seed to allow for easy extraction. Juice...everywhere...

Two: you don’t find the seeds, and bite unassumingly into the orange to hurt yourself in a conglomeration of teeth and seed cracking on impact.


Suck.


To top it all off, at the end of the horrendous experience, you smell like oranges. Forever! No soap will rid that scent from your fingers.



Bananassssssssssssssssssssssss...on the other hand...rock.



Bananas are a quick, simple, and satisfying fruit that can be had at any time of day, anywhere.

Bananas come complete with an easy open tab that requires NO tools.

They have teeny tiny seeds that are edible and are not noticeable.

Bananas=win.

























Oh, and Orange Bread? Pssssssssh.





Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Up-dizzle...I'm trying to say update. Sigh.

Boyfriend's Mom's Boyfriend brought a cold back with him from Europe.

That's right. They went to Europe.

For SIXTEEN days.

I'm a little jealous.

Of course, they were super awesome and brought me back a gorgeous glass necklace, (EDIT 01/26/2011: THE NECKLACE IS NOT FROM EUROPE) and a cherry blossom flavoured green tea; and the girls were given these beautiful bracelets. I feel like I should make a shirt though...


"My in-laws went to Europe, and all I got was this lousy cold."



Hahaha!



But seriously, I'm sick.




On a lighter note, I recieved a list of demands from the elves who work for the Magical Mouse Fairy.


So, I've got some work to do, and I'll leave out the cheese-flavoured cookies, and we'll see what happens.



It's looking up though!



In the meantime, I've got to go blow my nose some more... it's not raw enough...

Saturday, September 18, 2010

She Knows If You've Been Bad Or Good

I own a laptop. No desktop computer in my house. My laptop originally came with a cordless mouse that lasted about two years before finally giving up and dying. It would no longer recieve the proper signals from itself, occassionally wouldn't turn on, and would interpret a single click as two, one, or no clicks.

So I replaced it.

I decided to purchase a corded mouse so I wouldn't have to worry about replacing batteries any more, went down to my local Staples, and bought the cheapest one off the shelf.

Well...you get what you pay for I guess.

I was pretty happy with my new mouse for the first month.

And then month two rolled around...and things got bad.

And then they got worse.

And I got angry.



This is the world's first computer mouse...neat!

My beatiful new mouse had turned into a flaming pile of garbage.


Have I mentioned that I am getting my college diploma online?


Yeah, normally it requires use of a mouse.


So, lo and behold, I have been forced into using my laptop's track pad again, which after an hour or so, gets VERY VERY FRUSTRATING!


I am quite tempted to smash my mouse off of things in an effort to coerce it to work.


For the record, that's called mechanical persuasion, and it's shown to be quite effective.


"So...you don't want to work eh? I would recommend you reconsider your position. Hiiiiiyah!"
(Cat using mechanical persuasion on his mouse)
So I did what I always do when I get angry.

I wrote a letter.


For your reading pleasure:


I purchased your Logitech M100 corded mouse from a Staples at the end of July 2010. The mouse worked properly for the first week, and since that time, the USB connection has been very temperamental. The USB needs to be plugged in *almost* all of the way, but not fully otherwise the red light on the bottom will shut off and the mouse will cease to function. Sometimes, although this delicate balance is achieved, the mouse will randomly decide to stop working mid-use, and refuse to start again until (as far as I can tell) some magical Mouse Fairy comes and wakes it up.
I purchased this mouse because I am taking college online and my previous mouse (from a different company) was very temperamental, a wireless, and on its last legs. I was given a word-of-mouth referral to your products, and was quite pleased with the price.
Yesterday the mouse stopped working.
My computer no longer "recognizes" the USB Device, and my attempts to fix it have LITERALLY led to my computer telling me to replace the product.
This product is not even two months old.
If I had realised that this was a 'disposable' mouse, if you will, then I would have spent more money up front to buy a higher quality mouse that would have lasted me through more than one Final Exam.
I sincerely apologize if this seems rude, but I am very, very frustrated with this entire situation. I was really hoping to own a mouse that would last me at LEAST a year, as opposed to the not even two months I got out of this one.
I hope to hear a response from you that indicates that this is indeed some sort of fluke, and that the M100 is not built in such a way that it would cease to work after two months.
Hopefully the magical Mouse Fairy comes and fixes this problem before the 24th so I do not have to write a two hour midterm with the track pad on my laptop...but I'm not holding my breath...I forgot to leave her anything last time.
Thank you for your time,


dys·func·tion


I'll keep you updated as to their response... but in the meantime, I will have to use my back-up plan to write my upcoming midterm.


"All right guys! Cheddar, you're in charge of moving and scrolling. Nibbles, clicking is alllllll yours."

My Mouse Team


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

My Blood Hurts

I am doing my college course online.

This way, I started attending college when I was pregnant with my second daughter, and am still able to attend full-time although I breastfeed.

All of my testing is done online as well.

After I complete a Test, Midterm, or Final Exam, I review the questions that I got wrong in an effort to either learn or argue my answer in an attempt to get my marks back.

These are some real emails that have been exchanged. This is my frustration with this course that I PAID TO TAKE.

(These are biology-esque courses)



Example 1

FROM ME:


FROM PROFESSOR:


I've made these as big as possible, but you can click to enlarge them.

Let's address the first question. A knowledge of biology is not necessary here.


#57 - "Hey Prof, our text and notes both say that these two muscles are correct answers, since neither one of them was referred to as a 'major' extensor...wtf?"
Prof - "This one muscles group is BIGGER, therefore it is the right answer."


O_o      uh huh.


#83 - "Hey Prof, this entire muscle group hasn't been studied yet...wtf?"
Prof- "You're right! Question eliminated from marks."


: D Hey, alright!


#84 - "Hey Prof, HALF the possible answers for this question haven't been learned yet...and the question asked to pick which one was closest to the center of the body; which implies that you should have a general knowledge of the whereabouts of EVERY ONE...wtf?"
Prof- "Process of elimination. The question's still good."


O_o' .......really? You'll eliminate the question that we haven't learned about, but the question that relies on a knowledge of two things that we haven't learned is 'still good' because we're supposed to ASSUME that they aren't closer to the center than the ones we know....uhhhh huhhhh.


Example 2

FROM ME:


FROM PROFESSOR:


#30 - "Hey Prof, this question asks what muscle does THE SAME THING as the one in the question. The one in the question flexes the hip...and so do answers A and C. Now, I picked C and got it wrong...wtf?"
Prof- "Well, your answer does two things: flexes the hip and adducts it, while my answer ONLY flexes the hip so.... you're wrong."


O_O  but that doesn't make me wrong...both muscles flex the hip, and that's what the question was asking.


Example 3

This one is the worst one of all. My personal favourite. Unfortunately, this professor (different from previous one) answered by adding text to my questions so you have to look hard to see the responses.

FROM ME:

FROM PROFESSOR:

FROM ME:

FROM PROFESSOR:

#78 - "Hey Prof, this question asks which one of the four has no nerves. Although we've studied three of them, I went with Blood...because blood has no nerves. After I got this question wrong, I went back through the text and found PROOF that the other three options have nerves in them...wtf?"
Prof- "Your proof for cartilage is wrong. Sorry. As far as blood goes, you're right! Blood has no nerves. Unfortunately, since we haven't studied it yet, you're wrong. The correct answer is cartilage!"
".........uh, well the question didn't ask for the "best" answer, or the answer that applies ONLY from material we've studied sooooooo I was hoping to get the marks back."
Prof- "You get a mark back for a different question that you argued (not shown here), but not this one. You are wrong."


O_o


I'm wrong eh?


Because cartilage doesn't have nerves.


But Blood is supposed to beeeeeeeeeee...a mystery?


Alllllll those nerves...


My Blood hurts.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Fruit Fly

Short post today.
I'm very busy with my college work, and raising children and such.

I have fruit flies in my apartment.

Mainly because I can be lazy with my dishes, and occassionally the garbage.

Well, let's be honest. Those chores suck.


I mash these little flies as often as I see them, and because this catches my daughter's attention she often asks me what I'm doing.


"What you doing Mommy?"

(Me) "There was a fruit fly."

"A fruit fly! You should crush it."


So now, whenever she sees a fruit fly, she tells me to crush it.

This is what she told me the other day, while I was holding Splat, my youngest daughter.


*Fruit fly crosses her line of sight.*


"Mommy! There's a fruit fly Mommy!"

(Me) "A fruit fly?"

"Yeah, you should crush it. You should crush it with Splat's head."


Crush it with Splat's head.

Bahahahaha!

It was difficult not to laugh as I explained that you don't crush things with other people's heads. Especially not her baby sister's.

It would hurt.

Makes for a great mental picture though.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Gnomes...For More Than Your Garden

I hate gnomes.





HATE!





They are sooo creepy and nasty, and they used to terrify me as a kid.


Used to...who am I kidding.


They are nasty buggers with their soulless eyes, and fake smiles.

There is a lot of rage hidden behind those grins.



Gnomes work like a mixture between gargoyles and the toys from Toy Story.

They move...and they live...oh believe you me, they live. Unfortunately for them, people can NEVER see a garden gnome move. So they must do their foul-deeds sneakily. They must avoid being seen. If you ever manage to sneak up on one it will INSTANTLY freeze in the position it finds itself in!

Gotcha!
This sneaky bugger was trying to crawl out of his flower pot to wreak havoc - when suddenly! The door swings open as Jimmy's going to get the morning paper!

"Ellie! Ellie! Get the camera quick!"

Ha!

But seriously.

They're nasty.


This guy has a frikking AXE!
ARGH! Nightmares!!!

I believe that gnomes have gotten bored with pulling the petals off your flowers, or nibbling at your veggies in the garden (blame the rabbits). They have moved on to bigger things. Branched out into different fields. Given themselves specialties.


Next time your toilet paper roll is empty...it was the Toilet Paper Gnome.

Printer tray not pulled out any more? Printer Tray Gnome.

DVD missing out of the case? DVD Gnome.

Missing you wallet? Keys? Pocket change? It's the Gnomes!!!




Mark my word; the day they figure out how to move when we're looking at them...

...they will TAKE OVER!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Nut Bar

Boyfriend and I went to our local shopping mall last week.

We parked farrrrrrrrr away from the entrance because I have two children and a double stroller, and sometimes it takes a lot of time or space to load and/or unload these children into the car.

After we had finished our shopping we walked back to the car (on the opposite side of the parking lot - remember) and began loading the children in.

I clipped Shake'n'Bake in and walked around the car to unload the stroller. Boyfriend was on the same side of the car as the stroller loading Splat into her carseat.

Someone pulled halfway into the spot next to us.

Next to us.



At the farrrrrrrrrr end of the parking lot....with MANY other empty spaces scattered around...she stuck the nose of her car in, encountered the open door-and-stroller issue, and stopped and idled.

I peeked in the back window to see the status of Boyfriend putting Splat in the carseat, mouthed "Sorry!" and grabbed the stroller which I then collapsed and put away.

This driver then proceeded to be crazy.

She honked and yelled "C'mon! Can't you see I'm trying to park here?! Just close the door!"

To which we just looked at her in disbelief.

Boyfriend finished putting Splat in as I was loading our purchases in around the stroller. (seriously...there were at least another 200 spots available in the parking lot, including one almost directly across from the spot this woman was trying to drive into) After he finished SAFELY BUCKLING THE CHILDREN IN Boyfriend stood up and closed the door, and this crazy B$%# RAN INTO HIM WITH HER CAR!

Then she got out quickly and walked away towards her store.

I don't know if she's not from around here, but in my town you don't F- with people because the majority of the population is crazy and will cut you, but I found it particularily interesting that she walked away from her car...which we were still right next to...and just assumed it would be safe.


Dear Crazy Woman From The Mall:

You know who you are. I don't know why you were in such a bad mood that day. There were plenty of spots available for you to park in if you were in such a rush. Obviously we were busy trying to make sure that the CHILDREN were safely buckled in to the car, and to be honest the entire process only took 3 minutes. If you didn't have a whole 3 minutes to wait maybe you should have parked in another spot...like the one across from the one you were aiming for, which, for the record, was closer to the mall. It was completely inappopriate, and in this town kind of dangerous, to yell at two people who are putting kids in their car. Or people period. We could have had baseball bats, or guns... And then to hit Boyfriend with your car?! Are you out of your mind?! One day Ms. Crazy Woman From The Mall, you will be a giant flaming B$%# to the wrong person and you will get hurt.

Sincerely Yours
Dysfunction





Oh, and P.S., check the paint on your passenger side.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Judgement Bubble

I like to sit on my front porch.

It’s a quiet relief from Fussy Hour. It also provides a nice place for chatting, and looking at the stars.

Of course, I live on a fairly busy street and so there are constantly people walking by. Even at two or three in the morning.

Some of these people are...special sorts.

I explained to Boyfriend the other night that I have a judgement bubble. It extends about two feet all around me, and it lets me express my judgement about these special people without getting my butt kicked by them once they are offended. Luckily, Boyfriend normally sits within two feet of me and he gets to hear all of these comments.

Judgement


“Really? Ice cream at nine at night? How old is that kid? Six? Nice, mom.”

“Ah, for f-! No shirt? Again?! It’s night time buddy. Be skeezy during the day with everyone else.”

“Nice mullet.”

“Wowwww... that’s a big woman.”

“Bahahaha! Motorized scooter!”

“Wipe out.”

“Ooh, a wheelie. I am soooo impressed.”

“Thanks for fighting. Hey Boyfriend! Can we NOT spread our drama around the neighbourhood when we go for walks? Thanks.”

“Nice driving arswipe.”

“That’s right...don’t signal before you cut that cop off.”

“Yeah, I’d wear a shirt like that...but I don’t want to look like a wh-.”

“Nice combo! Cigarette and a stroller. Win.”

“Wood panelling? I haven’t seen that in a while.”

“Super cool. Your music is soooo loud. Fix your trunk hatch.”



Yeah. Sometimes I’m a b***.

My theory is that everybody thinks these thoughts. It’s even possible that everyone has a judgment bubble, but some people’s bubbles are so small that they don’t actually make it to the surface of their skin. Therefore they internalize all of these thoughts.


These people have a LOT of judgement

A little judgement seeping out


That can’t be healthy... it'll probably give you gas.

So I say, as long as you can keep it in your bubble, and monitor who you allow to hear these thoughts, then the judgment bubble is a perfectly safe and healthy thing.

Let it alllll out.
























Except your chest. I really can’t take seeing any more nasty nasty people not wearing shirts. For God’s sake it is NOT that hot out, you REALLY don’t look good, and you’re just going to burn.

My kids don’t need to see that.
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