dys·func·tion /dɪsˈfʌŋkʃən/ [dis-fuhngk-shuhn]–noun
1. Medicine/Medical . malfunctioning, as of an organ or structure of the body. 2. any malfunctioning part or element: the dysfunctions of the country's economy. 3. Sociology . a consequence of a social practice or behavior pattern that undermines the stability of a social system.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Battle of the Fruits

Knock knock.

Who’s there?


Banana who?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?


Banana who?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?


Orange who?

Orange ya glad I didn’t say banana?

No. No I’m not.

Oranges suck.

Now calm down, the actual pulp of the orange is delicious, nutritious, and highly satisfying. But let me tell you, Orange needs to rethink his delivery strategy.

When you decide to eat an orange, you are mentally making a commitment. Time and effort are required to eat and orange, and a lot of the time I’m not interested in making said commitment.

You need to peel an orange. This either requires tools, teeth, or nails.

Tools means that there is a bigger clean up required.

Teeth means that your first taste of orange is nasty, and a little chemically.

Nails means that you will have a semi-permanent orange-brown colour under your fingernails.

All of these options suck.

Once you peel an orange you can’t just jump right in and enjoy the fleshy sweetness. Noooooooo. First you have to pick off all of the nasty white strings that attach to the orange with all of their might.

Those tricky white buggers that have grown in every nook and cranny possible in your orange wedges, and require some dexterity and nails (more orange-brown tinge on the horizon) to remove.

Once you’ve removed all the garbage from OUTSIDE the orange, you now have to be concerned with the garbage INSIDE!

The seeds.

Sometimes it is possible to see them through the orange wedge. I’m a big fan of holding the wedge up to the light to try and spot the dark seeds within.

This can end either or two ways.

One: you find the seeds, and proceed to jam your fingers into the wedge to try and pop them out, or you try and bite the wedge just prior to the seed to allow for easy extraction. Juice...everywhere...

Two: you don’t find the seeds, and bite unassumingly into the orange to hurt yourself in a conglomeration of teeth and seed cracking on impact.


To top it all off, at the end of the horrendous experience, you smell like oranges. Forever! No soap will rid that scent from your fingers.

Bananassssssssssssssssssssssss...on the other hand...rock.

Bananas are a quick, simple, and satisfying fruit that can be had at any time of day, anywhere.

Bananas come complete with an easy open tab that requires NO tools.

They have teeny tiny seeds that are edible and are not noticeable.


Oh, and Orange Bread? Pssssssssh.


- jG - said...

Agreed with everything except how bananas can be had at any time of day, anywhere. I only like to eat them first thing otherwise they get all bruised in my bag! Yick.

I need to buy one of these: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_pte2XO66Nwg/SjzJj7RnrPI/AAAAAAAAEAU/ZDD2Wy_fme8/s400/banana-protector.png

dys·func·tion said...

Lmao! I love that not only do those exist, but that you found a picture of one to include in your comment. :D
I still hold that bananas can be had at any time of day. Sometimes you are home all day, or you own a banana protector, and your fruit becomes not bruised.