Dear Period

Dear Period,

I know we don't talk that much. Let's be honest, you're kind of a pain in the a$$ so I can't see us being friends any time soon. I remember being 13 years old and desiring you: "Be thankful you don't have it", "Once it's here, you'll be wishing it's gone" people used to say to me. And to this day, I am glad you came. I really truly am. Getting your first period is such a big deal to a young girl, almost a rite of passage, it screams (quietly and painfully) 'I am now a woman!' But Period, for this relationship to work, in the very least amicably, we need to set a few ground rules.

You suck. There, I've said it. You are overall, a messy, unpleasant companion and in order to make your presence easier I have a few requests.



1. Please come every 28 days.

Now I'm not asking for much here, just the same consideration that you give to most of the menstruating population. Our relationship would be much easier if I knew when you were coming. There would be no incidences of being out and about, going to the washroom without my purse, and having to makeshift a toilet paper pad until the next trip to the loo. (After all, if I come back to the room, pick up my purse, and then return to the washroom, isn't it kind of obvious? (Although depending on the company I am keeping, sometimes I'll do that anyways.))

Also, if you came every 28 days, then there would be an indication of a disturbance in the force! A late period would be obvious by day 29, which could then raise concerns of sickness or pregnancy. It's difficult not to panic every time you're late, even though you seem to have no problem showing up whenever the hell you want, waltzing in as if you own the place. Really Period, it's quite rude and I don't have the energy to be worried anymore. You know, as well as I, that Uterus can't produce enough HCG hormone right away to give me a proper pregnancy test result. If you are two weeks late, then there is nothing I can do the entire time but wonder and wait.



2. Please last no longer than 7 days.

Now, I'm not trying to be greedy here. The average period only lasts 3-5 days. I know you need to be special and "different", but I would really appreciate it if you would last no longer than 7 days. Tampons are expensive, and cramping for more than a week makes me extremely irritable and tired. That's just unfair for everyone.

With the combination of requests 1 & 2, I could even make plans around your visits! Then we could enjoy some quality time together without me having to make you feel unwanted. Doesn't that sound nice?




3. Please pick one level of flow and stick with it.

Period, when you fluxtuate so much it makes it very difficult to accomodate your stay. I'm sick of buying the variety pack of tampons (honestly, they're more expensive) and it would be great to be able to predict your outcome.

Even be heavy Period, really! At least then I can plan for a heavy flow and not be surprised (rudely, I might add) by a morning trip to the bathroom that looks like I'm narrowly escaping with my life, after being stabbed by a mugger!





I really hope that we can come to some sort of understanding here Period. We have another twenty-or-so years left together, and it would be nice if they were pleasant ones.


Looking forward to your response,


dys·func·tion