dys·func·tion /dɪsˈfʌŋkʃən/ [dis-fuhngk-shuhn]–noun
1. Medicine/Medical . malfunctioning, as of an organ or structure of the body. 2. any malfunctioning part or element: the dysfunctions of the country's economy. 3. Sociology . a consequence of a social practice or behavior pattern that undermines the stability of a social system.

Monday, April 11, 2011


I am becoming angrier and angrier.

Perhaps it is what my depression is turning into as the winter subsides and the warm weather is coming out...but it doesn't seem likely. Spring makes me calm.

Perhaps it is a hormone change from my birth control...but I've been on the same birth control for over five years now, and this has never happened before.

Perhaps it is due to lack of sleep. Splat has been waking up four or five times a night to feed again.


I've even been dreaming about waking up to feed her, and then actually waking up and having a moment of panick because she's not in bed with me.

No matter what the cause is, I am filled with rage. It's almost a constant state now.

I'm mad that I live in this dump, in the Ghetto. I'm mad that I don't have a yard to play in. I'm mad that I can't afford buttloads of food, and since I've been so exhausted - have put grocery shopping off (again) until tomorrow. I'm mad that I have nothing planned for dinner. I'm mad that I can't afford to put my car back on the road (and just now, I'm mad that I forgot to call my cousin back this weekend like I was supposed to. Crap). And I'm mad that my stupid ex is trying to get another reduction in child support.

I'm mad that I'm changing programs. I'm mad at the program and the field for sucking so much, and I'm mad that I didn't look farther into it, or consider the possibility of these risks earlier on. I'm mad that I have to apply to new schools, while hounding my old one for marks, and having to book assessments anyways because apparently nobody really cares what your marks are.

I'm mad that I haven't gotten around to doing the dishes yet today. I'm mad that we had salty Mr. Noodles for lunch because I haven't bought real groceries yet (see: tomorrow), and I'm mad that Shake'n'Bake loves them anyways. What happened to good eating habits?

I'm furious that the couch beetles are back.

Like: flaming-murderous-rampage, want-to-move-before-we-have-another-place-to-live furious.

It's only the 11th of April, and yet I have found and killed six already. SIX. Five of which were in the last three days.

It's f%&#ing ridiculous!!!

Stupid, nasty, little bastards. There were none for the entire winter. They sat outside in some soil, in a frozen hibernation-like state of cryogenesis, waiting for the spring to thaw the ground so that they could resume their attack on my life.

At their current rate of attack, I'm likely to see well into the hundreds for casualties this year. I just don't know if my stretched little mind can handle it.



- jG - said...

So, I know that one cannot control rage-splosions. Or be rational or easy on oneself, because they are having a rage-splosion (I love that word, can you tell?) but that said, when it comes to the school thing, try not to be so hard on yourself! You made the best decision you could at the time, with the information you had, at the time. All of the education you've done so far is not a waste. It kept you productive, taught you new things, and helped you have a better idea of what you want to do next. I know it's a pain because of the money/time issue, but try not to regret it too much. Education is never a waste :)

maybe when things calm down a bit for we can see each other again?!

Mediquador said...

I've noticed I'm getting angrier and angrier aswell. Mine's linked to my ever-deepening depression, (I vent my depression by getting mad at video games, and punching inanimate objects). I hope you're doing better than I, and we should get together more often.

jedi starrunner said...

couch beetles? again? seriously???? SERIOUSLY?

*rage*............... *hug*

dys·func·tion said...

@jG: Thank you. It is nearly impossible to be rational, but it's nice to know that someone understands that. I would love to see you again! I'm home pretty much ALL of the time now. O_o ...yay...

@Mediquador: I am a big fan of getting mad at inanimate objects and/or video games. It's much easier (and safer) than taking out your frustrations on innocent people/animals. Having said that...I've broken quite a few things in my time...so be careful. I hope your depression starts to clear up and/or become more managable. We definitely should get together more often, I smell gaming on the horizon.

@jedi starrunner: Tell me about it!!! I'm up to *8* now. 8!!! I wrote 6 (because it was true) 25 hours ago. Since then I have been attacked twice. Sigh.