I am becoming angrier and angrier.
Perhaps it is what my depression is turning into as the winter subsides and the warm weather is coming out...but it doesn't seem likely. Spring makes me calm.
Perhaps it is a hormone change from my birth control...but I've been on the same birth control for over five years now, and this has never happened before.
Perhaps it is due to lack of sleep. Splat has been waking up four or five times a night to feed again.
I've even been dreaming about waking up to feed her, and then actually waking up and having a moment of panick because she's not in bed with me.
No matter what the cause is, I am filled with rage. It's almost a constant state now.
I'm mad that I live in this dump, in the Ghetto. I'm mad that I don't have a yard to play in. I'm mad that I can't afford buttloads of food, and since I've been so exhausted - have put grocery shopping off (again) until tomorrow. I'm mad that I have nothing planned for dinner. I'm mad that I can't afford to put my car back on the road (and just now, I'm mad that I forgot to call my cousin back this weekend like I was supposed to. Crap). And I'm mad that my stupid ex is trying to get another reduction in child support.
I'm mad that I'm changing programs. I'm mad at the program and the field for sucking so much, and I'm mad that I didn't look farther into it, or consider the possibility of these risks earlier on. I'm mad that I have to apply to new schools, while hounding my old one for marks, and having to book assessments anyways because apparently nobody really cares what your marks are.
I'm mad that I haven't gotten around to doing the dishes yet today. I'm mad that we had salty Mr. Noodles for lunch because I haven't bought real groceries yet (see: tomorrow), and I'm mad that Shake'n'Bake loves them anyways. What happened to good eating habits?
I'm furious that the couch beetles are back.
Like: flaming-murderous-rampage, want-to-move-before-we-have-another-place-to-live furious.
It's only the 11th of April, and yet I have found and killed six already. SIX. Five of which were in the last three days.
It's f%&#ing ridiculous!!!
Stupid, nasty, little bastards. There were none for the entire winter. They sat outside in some soil, in a frozen hibernation-like state of cryogenesis, waiting for the spring to thaw the ground so that they could resume their attack on my life.
At their current rate of attack, I'm likely to see well into the hundreds for casualties this year. I just don't know if my stretched little mind can handle it.