dys·func·tion /dɪsˈfʌŋkʃən/ [dis-fuhngk-shuhn]–noun
1. Medicine/Medical . malfunctioning, as of an organ or structure of the body. 2. any malfunctioning part or element: the dysfunctions of the country's economy. 3. Sociology . a consequence of a social practice or behavior pattern that undermines the stability of a social system.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

School...The Bully

Pretty much since I was 9 years old I've hated school.

I loved going to see the people. I had quite a few friends in high school. I even considered myself popular. (Now as a side note, NOT one of the 'popular kids'. No stereotypical prep for me...I couldn't afford that type of image :P) There were a couple of teachers that I looked forward to seeing as well, or the occassional class that I found super interesting, or required little of me.

But as a whole, school sucked the pop's nose.

I've been doing a lot of self-discovery and reflection this past calendar year (2010's been a great year for me) I have come to the conclusion that my hatred for school was developed after years of having a poor support system, that allowed me to fail myself and build the MOST INTENSE defense mechanisms.

Parents that were not interested in helping or supporting me; teachers that couldn't be bothered to give you the time of day, let alone make you feel good about asking questions; the competition with my peers to do equal or better than them. All of it combined to destroy my will to succeed.

It's easy to fail if you never try.

It's easier to fail because you never tried, than to try and still fail.

And that became my mantra throughout school.

"I could have done better, but I didn't try."

This helped me to just scrape by through my entire elementary and highschool career.

Now this matters to me.

After working through these issues with Boyfriend (yes, he's the bomb-diggity) I came to the realization that I want to succeed at College.

Now, this sucks for a variety reasons.

  • I've never formed proper study habits.

  • I have no confidence in myself, or my ability to be a student.

  • I have no Mommy or Daddy to post my good grades on the fridge for me.

  • And EVERY TIME THERE IS A HINT THAT I MAY DO, OR RECIEVE LESS THAN PERFECT all of my defense mechanisms pop back to the front in an effort to protect my fragile ego, and I want to give up and move on.

Because, at the end of the day, if I try my damndest (sp? wtf?) at College - and I fail - I am just not good enough.

But if I don't try....well then maybe I could have done it, I just chose not to.

For the record, I am still trying. I just wanted to share my internal struggles.


jedi starrunner said...

agreed, 100%.
It hurts the most when you start to do well, and then you feel pressured to keep it up... Or at least that hurts the most for me. And then I get a mark back that's in the 70's and my heart drops out of my cheast, and my friends make fun of me, sarcastically saying things like "oh poor baby its not an 80 or a 90."... but once I hit an average above 90, how do I explain dropping back to the 80s again? or even worse, sinking into the 70s? :(

dys·func·tion said...

It really sucks when people don't understand. I used to be that person (in high school) who said that: "Oh no! Not an 80! Heaven forbid...I got a 60...deal."
But now that I have actual goals, it can be really disappointing when you don't reach them.