dys·func·tion /dɪsˈfʌŋkʃən/ [dis-fuhngk-shuhn]–noun
1. Medicine/Medical . malfunctioning, as of an organ or structure of the body. 2. any malfunctioning part or element: the dysfunctions of the country's economy. 3. Sociology . a consequence of a social practice or behavior pattern that undermines the stability of a social system.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Furniture Obituaries

You may remember my couch.

It is the infamous piece of furniture that Shake'n'Bake spilled milk on, and then attempted to clean 'all my byself'. You can find the full story here: The Victims of Fussy Hour.

I REALLY REALLY tried to find a picture of the couch that included the stain from the story, but unfortunately (or an extreme coincidence...) every photo of the couch has a person or object conveniently in front of the stain.

My subconcious for couch photography is the bomb.

So here is a picture of the couch:

Hey look! Easter eggs! This picture must be from Christmas or something.


I've had three cups of coffee...bear with me.

Note all of the visible rips and stains:

And this is the couch at its optimum appearance. The cushions are placed (and flipped) so as to minimize the visibility of rips and stains; I've even carefully folded a piece of couch fabric over itself  to hide a rip. Underneath the cushions are more stains and rips, and even an exposed spring.


It was time for the couch to go.

White Sectional Couch
Unknown - May 2011
'It was a good couch... well as good as free can be. It smelled funny, had no back cushioning, and was mildly itchy. White Sectional Couch is survived by a loving spouse, White Sectional Loveseat, and four Small Cushions.'

After joking with everyone who ever stepped foot in my apartment, and hoping for the funds for a new couch, or for a gently used one to fall in my lap... it happened!

As an Easter present from my parents (I still get Easter presents from my parents?!?! I didn't know this!) they passed down a couch that has been gently loved. This lovely piece of furniture was passed down from my aunt, to my parents, to my dad's new house, and then to me. (With any luck my kids will get it.... hahahahahaha)

(Due to an animal dander allergy in the family) We tore the couch apart and cleaned the hell out of it. I took off every cushion cover, soaked them in the tub with buttloads of laundry detergent, and, using a mop handle, became a manual washing machine. We vacuumed, plucked, brushed, washed, and sprayed the couch with a deodorizer/antibacterial spray (for the dander).

Then I sewed the one rip shut.

Then I bought cushions.

May I present:

Beige Couch, The Great

Feel free to ignore the dirt all over the floor.

Welcome to the family! May you have many years ahead of you.

Special thanks to my parents...thanks!


- jG - said...

I love your posts! Only you can write a blog about a couch and have me read it the whole way through. The comment about how it must be Christmas or something killed me.

- jG - said...

ps I take no issue with the comment pop up window

jedi starrunner said...

What, no mention of spoolie? He's over here crying....

The new couch is awesome, but the old couch had some serious memories. Eyebrow-plucking, food-nomming, broken heart cry-festing. Time to make some new memories on the new couch. <3

dys·func·tion said...

@jG: Thank you! Sometimes I write whatever pops into my head...well, most of the time I do that... so it's hit or miss as to whether or not it's funny. It's nice to know it was hit this time!

@jedi starrunner: The old couch *did* have some awesome memories, but after writing the obituary, I'm over it. The memories are from themselves, and not from the furniture it happened on.

With the possible exception of a broken chair.