dys·func·tion /dɪsˈfʌŋkʃən/ [dis-fuhngk-shuhn]–noun
1. Medicine/Medical . malfunctioning, as of an organ or structure of the body. 2. any malfunctioning part or element: the dysfunctions of the country's economy. 3. Sociology . a consequence of a social practice or behavior pattern that undermines the stability of a social system.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Fear of the Unknown

It has quite suddenly become a very real possibility that I will be attending classes in person soon.

This has led to some awesome amounts of insomnia. On top of my already existing funk/depression-remnants.

Going to school in person is scary to me because I don't know if I can do it. Logically, I should be able to succeed at it; maintain interest in my classes; complete my homework; etc., but because it is unknown, because it is something that I have never done before... I'm scared out of my mind.

I am afraid that I will fail at being a College Student. Perhaps my marks will drop, or I won't be able to keep up with the demanding schedule of school + family, I just don't know. I don't want my children to suffer for it. One of the biggest transitions I had as a child was when my mother went back to school and stopped caring about us. I have no desire to follow in these ghostly footprints, but it is a fear that resonates deep within me.

What is it like to attend class in person? I haven't been to an actual class since highschool...and back then I couldn't have cared less about my marks or the material. I'm surprised I remembered which classes to go to most days. And now what? And now I have to care. I have to show up for class and try to learn. I have to absorb and memorize information. I have to succeed in school. I have to do all of these things because I need to be a good adult, rolemodel, and mother...for my family and for me.

I am afraid to let someone down. Anyone who I care about. Down. It's such a gripping fear.

Where is the sign that is supposed to let me know I've made the right decisions? Chosen the right career? I don't care if there isn't one, there should be!

Two years ago I decided to go to school for something because I needed a stable career with a stable source of income to support my little girl. 'Girl' became 'girls' and I find myself changing. At which point does a decision become the 'best' one to make... are they all a little bit selfish?


I don't know if I follow my last paragraph...it's late...lack of sleep.

I just hate wondering. I hate not knowing. When this is all over, I'll be able to look back and think: "Well, that was easy."/"What an awful, awful choice."/"I love College, I'm going to learn more!"/"I'm glad that's over, I'm taking my degree and running."

And then I'll know.

And no matter what, it will be better than now.


Mediquador said...

I'm proud of you for going to college. I know it's something you will never regret.

Anonymous said...

No Fear Kid.

jedi starrunner said...

Fear of school is the worst. As Mediquador said, you'll never regret going to schoool.... but actually getting there stinks. I remember my first day of college. I was scared. But then it was okay... and then I dropped out... and then on my NEXT first day of college, I was horrified. Then I rocked it for a couple of years and graduated. Then on my first day of university....
catching a trend here?

It's hard when you don't know what the expectations are, and when it is so different from what you've been doing already (online school is VERY different from in person school... I've done both). Your fear is totally rational, and I understand where you're coming from.... just know that you're seriously going to kick ass at it, I have all the faith in you in the world.

Rae said...

I am proud of you for wanting to go to school and taking the steps to go there. The fact that you care about your girls will allow you to make time for them in your life while in school.

As someone who has been going to college and working for a few years, I can say it won't be easy. While I do not have any children, I do have a husband, two cats, and a full life filled with a few close friends, and a big, non-traditional family. As long as you have the motivation to do this, are rady to work hard, and have good time management skills, you can and will be able to do this. It may require sacrifices, I know it did for me and still does.

However, I also know I am better person for having done that and for recognizing what is important in my life and what needs to be cut out of my life. I wish you the best of luck with everything and I know you will do great for you and your girls.

dys·func·tion said...

Thank you everyone. It's bittersweet to see such kind words. I had decided not to comment until I got up the balls to post about my decision to switch programs. The only good thing that has come out of this first year (waste of time) will be my awesome grades for my transcript, and perhaps, an acute ability to read and study...?

But I do appreciate the support, and I apologize if anyone is let down by my decision.

jedi starrunner said...

woohoo new career! I started in College taking Business... then I did Addictions Counselling.... now I'm in University doing Psychology.

I'm 100% FOR switching to something that you'l enjoy, and 100% AGAINST sticking in something that will later be useless becuase its not what you want. <3

dys·func·tion said...

@jedi starrunner: thank you for your (usual and always welcome) support.