It has quite suddenly become a very real possibility that I will be attending classes in person soon.
This has led to some awesome amounts of insomnia. On top of my already existing funk/depression-remnants.
Going to school in person is scary to me because I don't know if I can do it. Logically, I should be able to succeed at it; maintain interest in my classes; complete my homework; etc., but because it is unknown, because it is something that I have never done before... I'm scared out of my mind.
I am afraid that I will fail at being a College Student. Perhaps my marks will drop, or I won't be able to keep up with the demanding schedule of school + family, I just don't know. I don't want my children to suffer for it. One of the biggest transitions I had as a child was when my mother went back to school and stopped caring about us. I have no desire to follow in these ghostly footprints, but it is a fear that resonates deep within me.
What is it like to attend class in person? I haven't been to an actual class since highschool...and back then I couldn't have cared less about my marks or the material. I'm surprised I remembered which classes to go to most days. And now what? And now I have to care. I have to show up for class and try to learn. I have to absorb and memorize information. I have to succeed in school. I have to do all of these things because I need to be a good adult, rolemodel, and mother...for my family and for me.
I am afraid to let someone down. Anyone who I care about. Down. It's such a gripping fear.
Where is the sign that is supposed to let me know I've made the right decisions? Chosen the right career? I don't care if there isn't one, there should be!
Two years ago I decided to go to school for something because I needed a stable career with a stable source of income to support my little girl. 'Girl' became 'girls' and I find myself changing. At which point does a decision become the 'best' one to make... are they all a little bit selfish?
I don't know if I follow my last paragraph...it's late...lack of sleep.
I just hate wondering. I hate not knowing. When this is all over, I'll be able to look back and think: "Well, that was easy."/"What an awful, awful choice."/"I love College, I'm going to learn more!"/"I'm glad that's over, I'm taking my degree and running."
And then I'll know.
And no matter what, it will be better than now.